Go ahead, be crucified! See if I care…

My audition is tomorrow and I am really nervous! I haven’t gone to class everyday so I’m feeling like I didn’t do enough to prepare but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself.

Sir Jessica of Camelot- I seek a paying dance job!

I just keep thinking that I made the decision to leave NY without even thinking there would be opportunities with companies so if I was prepared to get through the next few months or whatever without a company to call my own, then it doesn’t really matter if I blow this audition, right?!

Auditions were a little less frightening in NY because it seemed there were so many. If you blew one, chances were there were two more the next week. The good news is my conversation with the director of the company with whom I was awarded a scholarship went really well, so I think the door remains open there.

I don’t really have anything insightful to say here- I’m just sharing my nerves. What if they don’t like me? What if they loudly say that I’m bad, or fat, or ugly, or untalented? What if they look at me funny? What if I embarrass myself (surprisingly, I’m not completely used to that one yet!) What if I think I do well and then don’t get good feedback, how will my self-esteem take that one!? How will I break the news that I didn’t get picked to my parents? (good job spending all that money on my expensive training…I’m unemployed). how do I find self-worth if I’m not a dancer?

I guess in the end, my concept of value can’t ride on this audition- I don’t know what they’re looking for, even if I have a great audition they might want someone short or really tall, or redheaded. It’s just not a good idea to place all my eggs in this one basket- it would be way too easy to turn my ego into one big sloppy cheese and sadness omlette.

You know what Monty Python says (a very reliable source of life coaching)- “always look on the bright side of life’. I tend to do better under pressure so I will allow myself to care just enough to be hopeful and open- consider it one egg in the basket- served sunny side up.

2 thoughts on “Go ahead, be crucified! See if I care…

  1. You will be great! I’ve definitely been there when they’re looking for someone shorter than I am (apparently leading ladies in musicals can’t be taller than their leading man!) but sometimes by taking things I wasn’t originally going for I’ve either had way more fun (Belle never gets to dance the fun stuff – she’s always stuck watching!) or made lots more friends. Can’t wait to hear how things went! I’m blogging my semester in France, I’ll facebook it to you!

  2. “how do I find self-worth if I’m not a dancer?”

    I don’t know. Honestly. I am working on that. Focus on your brain instead of your body? …unless community college classes are whooping your ass…in which case focus on how good of a person you are concerning the treatment of your pets. lol

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