A Product Placement Nutcracker

Do you want to know what one of my favorite yearly traditions is?

For the past six or seven years, I have written a fake Nutcracker cast list- usually casting my friends as ugly characters, made up parts, adding celebrity appearances, and putting myself as Rat Queen (I never did get the part). It started at Butler University my sophmore year with my best friend Emily and I’ve since become addicted to demoting the best dancers to ‘M0ther Ginger legs’ or making Professors things ike ‘The Swan Boat Captain’.

Anyways, this looks like the first year in I don’t know how many that I won’t be in a Nutcracker. I was actually asked to guest as Sugar Plum with a local studio here, but I haven’t had my pointe shoes on in months so I won’t be de-gracing any stages. I think it turns out that I love the tradition of a snarky cast list more than I love being a snowflake anyways. I only like being a flake when it comes to social engagements.

I’ve cast my old company- Missouri Ballet Theatre- amidst this one that is SURE TO MAKE MONEY!  How, you say?

Two words; product placement. Enjoy!

Planter’s Peanuts and Ritz-Cracker Proudly Present:

The Nut-cracker

Sponsored by: Ritz, Planters, Barbie, Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, the Alaskan Government, Penguin Books, St. Louis Rams, St. Louis Cardinals, Edwards Jones Dome, Cracker-Jack, Disney, Coca Cola, Splenda, Liberty Medical, NBC, Apple, Pf Changs, Playtex, and the Food Network

Note* all understudies should be present at each rehearsal should assigned cast members be injured, jailed, not aware that they are in the show as we could not reach their agents, or fictional

love from her Majesty the Queen JessRat

Act 1- Scene 1: The Party

Clara: celebrity guest Ciara. Understudy: Dexter Bishop

Mr. and Mrs. Stahlbaum: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Godfather Drosselmeier: Planter’s Peanut Man. Understudy: Caitlin Birt

Fritz: Ritz-Cracker Spokesperson Wyclef Jean. (I am not kidding on this. Google it. Apparently, crackers DO have a place in hip hop)

Party Moms and Dads: local shot-girls/ Brand ambassadors. Colin Helton.

Barbie Doll: Project Runway’s Laura Kathleen. Understudy: Irene

Act 1 Scene 2. The Battle:

The Nutcracker– TBA after auditions held at Cracker Barrel

Rat king– st. Louis cardinals rally squirrel/Justin beaver…I mean beiber. Understudy: Matt

Soldiers– st. Louis sports teams:  rams/ cards, and cracker-jack sellers

Rats: all down on their luck actors across the country portraying mickey at amusement parks (a job’s a job!)

Act 1. Scene 3. The Snow Scene:

Snow Queen: Alaskan govn. Sarah Palin or Tina Fey. understudy: Sarah Grace Austin

Coca Cola Polar Bear: Laurent Beasley McCart

Corps of Penguins (Books Publishing icons): Katie Howland and classmates from school

Act 2. Kingdom of the Sweets:

Sugar-free Sugar Plum Fairy- (The splenda fairy) – Biggest Loser trainer Bob Harper. Understudy: Lydia

The splenda cavalier– Wilford Brimley, diabetes spokesman. Understudy:  Robert

Spanish olives: Paz Vega ; Javier Bardem ; Antonio Banderas ; Penelope Cruz

Arabian: nbc peacock- Understudy: Jenny Rice

Chinese:  Chef PF Chang. Understudy: Ashley

Dance of the Maxipads (marzipan):Sarah and Rachel

Mother Butter– Paula Dean. Understudy: Jessica Ruhlin

Waltz of the ipods: w/ Mountain Dew Drop Fairy– Apple Employees with Caitlin Helton

(I drew costumes, but I’ll add the pictures at a later date. You know, when the Groupon for tickets is available 🙂  )

 

2 thoughts on “A Product Placement Nutcracker

  1. Oh My God. Best one ever. Not sure if Mickey Mouse actors are down on their luck or fullfilling a childhood dream though. Excellent choice in cavalier! I would want to be a maxipad.

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