Just following up from yesterday, I do think that I said ‘a 5, 6, 7, 8!‘ the most during my long day of teaching. How many times? I lost count. (Lost count of counting, what a dizzying numbers game!)
Even in an intermediate class, a lot of dancers couldn’t seem to grasp: Two at a time from the corner (I had odd clumps of four, then brave solo kid) and wait for the couple in front of you to do one set right and left, then begin, so I had to count them in.What bunch of idiots. I’m surprised I have a voice at all today. By the end of yesterday both my hamstrings and vocal chords were Down for the Count! (I actually really enjoyed teaching that class, don’t be fooled by my calling them imbeciles)
Methinks some of these kids didn’t watch Sesame Street. You know what would be a great segment? Have Robert Pattinson go on there with The Count. One bad movie, two bad movies, three bad movies, four…. then maybe I could focus on teaching pirouettes instead of going two at a time. Do it for the children Sesame Street! And for all those sad Twilight Moms.
I was doing some thinking and realized that in all honesty, I have not thought of myself as a good dancer in years. I have thought I have good qualities, or could be good if I’d just work a bit harder but have not been pleased with a current representation in…well, a long time. I think I’m working towards some kind of undefinable goal– to be ‘good’- that is based on an elusive feeling of self-satisfaction (that I rarely experience) rather than something measurable like ‘fit in this costume’ or ‘do triple pirouettes’.
I feel like I’m starting from zero at the moment- I’ve been away from actually dancing for such a long time that I’m building back up from incredibly little strength. And not just physically, mentally as well. I have this idea of my ‘goal’ in mind, but I feel like I am so far off from it at the moment that I am terrified of losing focus for even a second. Every class, every meal, every moment of my day needs to constructed towards this drive. Every second counts. It’s both motivating and exhilarating – knowing what I want and following through- and terrifying that I can’t keep it up. Dancing used to be second nature, but now, it feels weird. It’s a challenge to say ‘this is my life’ with regards to feeling on display again. I’m in that uncomfortable stage where it’s hard to put on a leotard, hard to drag myself to class where I am weak and bad and it’s right there for everyone to see. It feels a lot more safe to talk about my life as a dancer rather than currently having one- it’s also a lot less fun, or I think it will be, once I’m ‘good’ .
I feel like I’m stuck in a numbers game a lot of the time. I think about getting out my tape measure and sizing up various body parts, or the scale or the tags on my clothes, how it must be a certain number or I’m not happy. I also give myself goals of how much time I have to reach a certain number. How many pounds can I drop and in how many days? How many reps of that exercise am I doing and with what weights? How much time running, number of calories, numbers numbers numbers. It’s strange that my goals of downsizing are so specific and fixated while my goals of being ‘better’ ‘happier’ ‘stronger’ feel like some sort of fuzzy, far-off dream.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea to spend some time considering how much effort I need to put in to get me where I want to go. But what is the right amount of work to put forth- energy to put into my body- to get me as quickly and effectively and safely to where I want to be?
I do not at this point, weight myself (I even get on the scale backwards when I go to the doctor and ask them not to tell me) and I mostly only measure food so that I can give myself the right amount of medicine. Having diabetes unfortunately requires me to be able to size-up carbohydrate count on food so that I can balance the number of carbs with the units of insulin I inject. I fully admit that there is a voice saying no matter how much I’ve danced or taught in a day, I’m still so far off my ideal that I don’t deserve rest or nutrition. So I’m struggling to find the balance of exercising and eating enough of the right things so that I have can build my strength but also tone up, and do it in a sustainable and timely way. I may snoop around for a good nutritionist who works with athletes, and give him/her a call- that’s one number I think it would be ok for me to consider. Having a plan- something I can follow- sometimes helps me at least when I’m not in maintenance mode and am starting something new. Can someone count me in?
It’s hard to get out of the thinking that things must be a certain number to be correct when ballet is so precise. But I am attempting to get out of the numbers crunch. I was never great shakes at math anyway.
I’m trying not to be too rigid, or put too much pressure on myself but to do the most I can towards the goal of becoming the dancer I’ve wanted and still want to be, and secretly behind all the self-deprecation thought I could be. How much that is everyday, I don’t really know. I do know that I’ve been given some great opportunities, so I count myself lucky, and as long as I have the energy, you can Count me IN (I really have to stop with the idiotic idioms)
I apologize that this was, again, a personal rant and not informative or witty in the slightest. I know you count on this blog for that (agh! Sorry, last one I swear!) So, better late than never, some numbers that I hope will be of use to someone out there:
1 serving= 15 grams of carbohydrate
A few examples of that are: 15 grapes, 1/2 a banana, 1 slice of bread with the crusts cut off (depends on the bread, but most are about 18 carbs per slice) or you could have a dish of cat food
1 serving of carbs makes for a good snack in an active healthy lifestyle, especially when combined with a little protein. I personally like apples with peanut butter or trail mix with dried fruit and nuts.(Beware of excessive sugar in dried fruit!) Kashi granola bars are really good as are the KIND bars, if you can get them on sale. I don’t suggest buying into Luna or Cliff bars– they really aren’t that healthy and are way over-priced (even if a lot of them taste really yummy).
So if you’re curious about nutrition, look at the label and remember tha 15 carbs is a serving. Or call me and I can probably give you the carb count on just about any food item. You all have my number, right?
Leave me a comment if you have nutrition tips. I’m open to suggestions! Good health to you 🙂