The Annual Valentine’s Day List of Love

Happy Valentine’s Day all you heartbreakers!

I hope everyone indulges in some good company, unnecessary sugar, and a healthy dose of fantasy. Here’s some of mine:

The Top Men I would like to dance withand the top 10 dances I’d like to do with them:

1. ‘La Spectre De La Rose’– I will be the young girl and the current ABC BAchelor, Ben, will be the Dancing Rose. Basically, I will sit back and sleep while he flails about in a unitard and women’s bathing cap. Then he will make his ‘Jessica, I just can’t give you a rose this evening’ speech before jumping out the window. Don’t let it hit you on the way out my little flower basket.

2. This pas de deux from ‘Still Life at the Penguin Cafe’- I will be the lady with the lion head and will dance with the only person chipper and dapper enough to pull this off- the guy that plays Kenneth on 30 Rock. Rawr! – I would also pay every cent I own to have someone do the following variation for me. Now that’s a true Chippendale! ( I can really see my friend Nick Nolan doing this one)

3. I do not have footage of this- but the Dracula pas de deux between Mina and Dracula by Ballet Met Columbus is absolutely one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen- it’s eerie, dangerous, controlling, passionate…so I could only do this dance with someone who embraces all of those qualities: the one and only, Gollum. Or Stephen Colbert.

4. I loves a bad boy, a guy that can’t be tamed, can’t be caged, those slippery son-of-a-guns who end up doing things their own way. THat’s right, I want to do this dance of love with the snake that escaped from the Bronx Zoo. I’m a slave..for snakesin.Also the Bad Boys of Ballet, particularly Shame Ohmer are welcome. The ‘Mayhem’ actor from those all-state insurance ads can understudy (but only if he wears the ‘hot babe out jogging’ sweat band- ersatz  hot Britney from 10 years ago)

5. Now I know I said that Daniel Radcliffe, admittedly drunk Harry Potter, would not make the list this year but I found the perfect dance for us. Enter in Twyla Tharp and the drunken duet ,‘One for My Baby’ in Sinatra Songs. (I couldn’t find a clip of the whole pas so enjoy this little demo from Miami City Ballet. In all honesty, I could do any of these and be a happy chocolate-covered harlot)

6.I want to be the star of ‘Bolero’ (THIS  Maurice Bejart version, NOT the version with that Richard Simmons tranny) My entourage can be the New York occupy Wall Street Movers-and-shakers. If they look and dance anything like most of the fellars in this video, I want to be the solitary girl. That is a 1% I’m ok with being. (Do not watch if you are bothered by fit, sweaty people. Hot and bothered, by all means)

7. The letter scene pas de deux in Eugene Onegin– the lifts are absolutely amazing. I love how he just throws her around. Wow, this is what you get from writing a letter? Man, communication is a lot nicer in ballet. I clearly need to learn this with the master of eloquent exchanges from man to woman- Anthony Weiner.

8. Butterfly Ballet pas de deux– I have a friend/ fellow teacher at COCA who teaches many things including circus art. We were chit-chatting last week and somehow the conversation turned into ‘No, its not hard, just stand on my head Jess!’ And I tried. I got one foot on that big buzzed platform before I went tumbling 6 feet to the ground, in front of the parents of many of my students, curled up like a beetle moaning about a doctor bill. Therefore when I do this pas, I need the biggest, flattest head on any person in the universe: Channing Tatum, Eddie Murphy, and Tyra are all options. Also Jay Leno’s face. And I want Grape lady and Scarlette (takes a tumble) there to catch me if I look like I might fall. They know how it feels.

9. It would be blasphemy to include a dancing Vday list without mentioning ‘Petite Mort’. The name itself means ‘little death’ aka- orgasm. And this choreography is nothing short of one. Especially if I could learn it with any of my favorite dancing partners from real life; Kevin Wiltz, Tim June, Toby (tubby!),

me and Kevin Wiltz- my dear friend and true love

or imaginary partners, Roberto Bolle (ABT), richard Armitage, Sean Bean (back off Emily!) or Ricky Gervais.

10. And this one- the pas de deux from ‘An American in Paris’ done by Gene Kelly and Leslie Caron. Who would I want to dance this with? Well, some people don’t kiss and tell. Or in this case, dance and tell. 😉

4 thoughts on “The Annual Valentine’s Day List of Love

  1. Jess,
    First of all hello! second I read your blog quite frequently and It always cracks me up. you know i have always loved your doodles 🙂 ….I hope all is well and please never stop being so fabulous!

    ~Cat

  2. Pingback: Lost in Translation: hilarious dance review in Chinese | BODIES NEVER LIE

  3. Pingback: Review: ABT’s Onegin | BODIES NEVER LIE

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