Hopes and Fears

I believe in the sharing of dreams, stating them out loud just to let the universe know and so that people can support you (if you’re lucky), or even, as is the case here, to help hold myself accountable.

My room, shared with Kaitlin and Erin, in St. Petersburg, Russia- right along the canal and once belonging to the poet Alexander Pushkin

These are some things that have been keeping me up at night:

  • I hope to dance with a company next year and I fear that I’m not going to be ready,physically or mentally.
  • I hope to teach more classes next year and to be a better teacher; I fear that I’m not up to the challenge and that I haven’t done a good enough job to be given more responsibility.
  • I hope to find some way to get health insurance before my birthday in June; I really fear how I’m going to make this possible if I’m (lucky enough) to be dancing again which would take full-time day jobs (that I’m probably not qualified for anyways) off the table. And a few jobs that I can think of that DO provide health insurance for part-time are jobs that pay 8 dollars an hour and who can live on that? And I can’t live without insulin, that I must have, and therefore, health insurance I must have- which I cannot get as adjunct facult in my teaching life. I fear I will be forced to put dreams away, even if I am deserving of them.

 I dream of millions of choreography projects. I dream of learning a foreign language. I dream of becoming a migrant fruit-picker and getting a tan and upper body strength and just being outside all day. I dream of being determined by doctors ‘full-blown crazy’ and being sent to live in a padded room with all the books and empty sketchbooks I want. I dream of going dog-sledding. I dream of a dinner party with all of the people I have met and loved most in my life, all together. I dream of someday actually being paid for writing about dance beyond the occasional paid commission which has yet to come from St. Louis.I dream that my dance classes make my students feel good about themselves and that they carry that feeling into other parts of their lives even if they don’t choose to stick with dance. I dream about grabbing a backpack and going for a long walk and never coming back. I dream of this blog making a few people happy for a second.

I fear never reaching my ‘potential’. I fear that I’ll never accomplish everything, or anything I’m hoping to do. I fear losing my Mom and my Cat. I fear for the home lives of some of my students. I fear that friend living far away are forgetting me. I fear being a disappointment to my teachers, family, and my Dad’s memory.I fear going blind. I fear falling down a sewer.  I fear that I will never be in love with anybody. I fear my own inability to change or adapt, and on the flip side, changing or adapting for the sake of settling. I fear taking up space and not giving anything back. I fear that I will never get better.

I feel both afraid and better posting this. At least I said it. That’s all I can ask of myself. No, I take that back. I can act on it.Goodnight for now. Sweet dreams to all- even sweeter realities. x0-jess

6 thoughts on “Hopes and Fears

  1. You are a freelance writer… no? The National Association for the Self Employed offers group health plans at reasonable rates. I’m getting mine tomorrow, and I’ve got a pretty cool agent. If you’d like I could give you his email.

    • Also, your blog does make me happy, for more than fleeting seconds, in fact, and I can say with confidence that neither I nor another friend of yours who happens to live with me are forgetting about you. We miss you, Jess. Also, the first was a long ass, convoluted sentence that used, although not abused, quite a few commas; this one is too.

  2. Your blog makes me happy for more than a few fleeting seconds. It has inspired me before, and entertained me more than once. This post was brave. I hope your fears and dreams work out in your favour.

  3. I am still chuckling over “cluster-fondu” and how many weeks ago was that? haha I think we should start a school for the crazed performing arts. Only positive teachers/students need apply. 🙂

  4. Pingback: ABT’s ‘Golden Cockerel’ Review | BODIES NEVER LIE

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