The day has arrived– big, important, nerve-wracking audition for the contemporary ballet company I’ve been stalking for the past few months.
I’ll be pulling on whichever leotard is least unflattering and making my way over to stretch and register. The audition will consist of ballet class and then some choreography. I don’t have much more to say except that I really really want to do well. In the past two years, I’ve gone into every audition thinking, “Well, I’m not really a dancer anymore. I’m out of shape. I’m just in this for the experience.” I’ve tried to laugh at myself before anyone else could as a sort of defense mechanism. It’s a lot easier to say ‘Oh I knew I wouldn’t get it’ when I fail than to just say, I wanted it and I wasn’t chosen.
So here I go. The comedic suit of armor is coming off and the audition number is going on.
I was trying to think if I had any good luck charms or anything interesting to waffle on about and I don’t. I’m just sitting here wringing my hands because I’m already nervous. I’ve been anxious about this day for a long while now- just wanting more time to get better, stronger. Can I please fast-forward to the point of the day where, one way or the other, it’s over?
Something that I both relish and hate about dance is that pressure in the moment of performance or audition. I like that feeling that everything comes down to that one hour, one class, one preparation before a pirouette. It feels to me, like extreme living in the moment.
“Each act is an island in time, to be judged on its own. Families comfort a dying uncle not because of a likely inheritance , but because he is loved at that moment. Employees are hired not because of their resumes, but because of their good sense in interviews. Clerks trampled by their bosses fight back at each insult, with no fear for their future. It is a world of impulse. It is a world of sincerity. It is a world in which every word spoken speaks just to that moment, every glance given has only one meaning, each touch has no past or no future, each kiss is a kiss of immediacy” (A. Lightman- ‘Einstein’s Dreams’)
Can I hang sincerity and dreams on a charm bracelet?
Wish me luck! Sincerely yours- jess