The Annual V-Day List of Love

Happy belated Valentine’s Day! I hope everyone’s special forced day of romance was filled with flowers, candy, and more importantly, lovely people. Mine was a disaster. Needless to say, I’m still waiting for the cookie of my dreams. Are you out there?

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The list this year is inspired by a conversation I was having with a friend about boyfriends and our ‘types’ that we tend to date. And of course, I turn to my true love- ballet- to clearly define those types. So here you are- the 2013 list of ‘Just my Type- Ballet-entine and the modern-day equivalent’.

1. The Player- Albrecht from Giselle. Yeah, you know this guy. The attractive, the powerful, the one that looks so damn good in a velvet cape and a ‘whoops, you caught me’ expression. In the ballet, he is already engaged to a duchess and breaks poor simpleton Giselle’s heart by wooing her and promising marriage, only to have the duchess lady come to her house and say ‘nu-uh sista, that’s my man!’ Even from the grave, Giselle saves Albrecht from death. What an idiot. i would have handed him to the Willies (the vengeful ghost brides) myself. That would sure make for a different pas de deux. Modern day equivalent: Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, or Kristen Stewart

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2. The Sad Clown- Petrushka. For whatever reason, some girls are attracted to the tragic and pathetic. Maybe it’s a maternal instinct or something. Insert into their romantic lives the dopey puppet from the Russian classic, Petrushka. Modern day version– Woody Allen or for a happier but still pathetic-and-lovable version, Steve Carrell in every role that he plays.

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3. The Fashion Mogul- Prince (? does he have a name?) from Cinderella. This is the prince for you if you get a thrill from more than the average ‘you look nice’ compliment. If you like the type that can say, ‘mmm mmm, you lookin’ good in them prada winter collection boots!‘ then this is the guy for you. He will also always be stylin’ himself. Enjoy shopping and general foot fetish activities together. Modern day equivalent Tom Haverford from Parks and Recreation (rent a swag!)  

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4. The White Knight- Prince Florimund/ Desire from the Sleeping Beauty. Some girls just want to check-out of their own lives, take no responsibility, and be saved. (I think you can tell how I feel about this) What a snooze! This is the Mr. Fix-it guy, authoritative, and take-charge, and willing to slay some dragons even if they aren’t really his. Modern day equivalent Bob Harper from the Biggest Loser and President Obama

5. The Romantic Dreamer- Romeo. This is the dreamboat guy- spontaneous, passionate, romantic, mysterious, forbidden, athletic. THat is until his harebrained scheme goes awry or his over-the-top emotions get the better of him and he ends up dead. Modern day equivalent Sean Bean ’cause he’s dreamy and he dies in everything.

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6. The chillaxed- Solor from La Bayadere. This is the guy who deals with his problems through recreations…or libations of varying degrees of legality. Solor for instance, has a bit of an Opium fix in this ballet. I think laid-back is good, but laid-back and sprawled out on a couch with a hookah tube in one hand and a bong in the other, well- maybe some people find that attractive. Modern day equivalent your average busted felon and Snoop Dogg

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7. The Dom- Apollo. Take your average half-naked, hot-bodied, bossy in-need-of-a-muse or two or three wannabe God figure and you have Balanchine’s Apollo. Modern day equivalent stereotypes of all ballet masters and the guy from ’50 Shades of Gray’.

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8. The Sugar Daddy- Godfather drosselmeier and the Nutcracker Prince. I like to be spoiled as much as the next girl-next-door, but this takes it to a whole ‘nother level’. A gift that turns into a man who brings you to a magical place where you are presented with, you guessed it, more gifts! Talk about sweet! Modern day equivalent hugh hefner (I can’t possibly be the first to compare the PLayboy mansion to the Kingdom of the Sweets) also anyone that brings me a darn cupcake! So I guess, my friends Pam and Stephanie.. Thanks!

That's my Pam in the yellow

That’s my Pam in the yellow

9. The adventurer -Conrad from Le Corsaire. This type is for you if you like the pirating, swash-buckling, no-shirt wearing traveller that will take you far, far, away. That is until your boat sinks and you need to be rescued by someone else. Modern day equivalent– all people on the Carnival sh*t-ship cruise.

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Please, can I just have an immodium? I swear I’ll never leave land and a nearby toilet again!

10. The Poet- the poet from ‘Les Sylphides’. This is the ‘artsy-fartsy’ guy that immediately drops, ‘I’m a writer’ into his general sentence of introduction, hence the self-made title ‘the poet’ and no real identity. This is the person that will probably compete with you in terms of artistic success- hence the beautiful solo variations of Les Sylphides but not much in the way of great pas de deux. This guy doesn’t generally play well with others but he sure looks good in those white tights, ruffly shirts, and pained expressions. It’s just all that genius trying to get out. Modern day equivalent– anyone that thinks they are hot $hit on Twitter and my basic past dating rolodex. ugh.

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11. The animal- The faun. Over-sexed overly confident aggressive animal magnetism does it for some ladies. Modern day equivalent- Kanye (I would love to see him in this costume)

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12. The Golden Retriever- Prince Seigfried from Swan Lake. Let’s face it, some girls just want a doormat. Especially if it’s a rich doormat.The gold is for the bank account, retriever for the short attention span. Enter in silly Prince Siggy who can’t keep his races of swans correct in his head. This guy is easily distracted and quick with his affections, “oo pretty! Must declare unending love!” Modern Day equivalent– that football player from notre dame that ‘dated’ a fake girlfriend and then mourned her fake death. Catfish for supper, anyone?

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13. The inventer- Dr. Coppelius from Coppelia. This is the smart guy, probably a little isolated, talks to himself, drops things, and doesn’t own a comb. He’s fascinating, and nutty, and usually pretty handsy. He generally doesn’t get the girl int he end but that’s ok because he can just make one himself. Modern day equivalent: All plastic surgeons

Hope that this brought a little love or laughter into your life today, as both are important, regardless of hallmark-appointed dates.. xoxo- Your dreamboat captain, Prince Jess

2 thoughts on “The Annual V-Day List of Love

  1. Pingback: Lost in Translation: hilarious dance review in Chinese | BODIES NEVER LIE

  2. Pingback: The List of Hipster Baby Ballerina Names is Out and it’s worse than you imagined | BODIES NEVER LIE

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