As it turns out, Russell Crowe and I are related.
I’ve been forced to come to this conclusion because of this illustration detailing the ability to determine ancestral DNA based on foot shape.
I have a ‘Roman’ shaped foot therefore my ancestors must have come from Rome. Therefore I am a descendant of Roman Gladiator, Maximus Decimus Aurelius. Because he’s not fictitious or anything.
I don’t know if I can prove that I’m the perfected DNA result from years of gladiators but I do know one thing from looking at someone’s foot shape: what kind of dancer they are (or are not)
1. A Ballet dancer– you can spot them by the blisters, usually on the little toes, or if you’re weird and me, the tip of the big toe. There might a toenail or two that is purplish and bruised and from the toes down, the foot will look mangled, squeezed, and generally deprived of normal circulation like a bleeding, bruised, new-born baby.
2. A Modern dancer– will likely have bunions (if you’re anything like my extremely famous modern teacher from Butler University. I used to be afraid that her bunions would come to life and start arguing with each other and shouting corrections at me). They will likely have those painful splits in between toes.
3. A Jazz Dancer– is recognisable from the stress placed on the metatarsals (all those ‘forced arches’, ya know?) They are also likely to have a painful blister on the back of the ankle where the boot rubs the skin a little raw.
4. Stripper– Will have swollen feet from tight platforms. Will probably have a cheap pedicure with big fake toenails in a color named something like ‘Wild Mermaid Tail’ or ‘Girls Drink Free on Tuesdays’. Might have a curly hair or two on the big knuckle. Exposed areas of skin not covered by heels will be covered in cheap body glitter and or oil and will therefore have random items such as one-dollar bills or candy wrappers stuck to the ankle.
5. A non-dancer– these feet are unblemished and soft as a new jar of peanut butter. They possess very little arch and are generally about as shapely as a block of wood.
Before I go, a big thanks to a few new subscribers and to those who sent a nice message about yesterday’s interview with Dance Theatre of Harlem and Ingrid. I can’t claim responsibility for the inspiring words, they are all hers. I’m just the messenger but I do greatly appreciate the encouragement! So thanks! The chance to gain insight or information from great artists and share it is ninety percent why I do this. The other ten is reserved for forcing my bad doodles on the unsuspecting internet.
Have a nice day my fellow twinkle-twisted-tortured toes!