The List of Hipster Baby Ballerina Names is Out and it’s worse than you imagined

Despite how very very excellent I am at opening sentences and intros like this gem, I am truly terrible at coming up with titles. Titles for poems, for choreography, for posts, it is as T.S. Eliot wrote in ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’,

the naming of things (cats or blog posts) is a difficult matter.

Not so, apparently for babies. Especially hipster babies. Have you seen this list from elitedaily plus offensive homophobic tag lines as accessory to the names of great poets?

Well guess what…

names2

Are you a hipster ballerina?Do you want your baby to be a hipster ballerina? Do you dream of a life filled with babies in pointe shoes and dance belts practicing fouettes and pooing in pink leotards?

Well, Bodies Never Lie has come out with the list of hipster ballerina baby names that are guaranteed to make your kid stand out as the ultimate prima.

Here is the best list of the edgiest names and there’s no possible way your child will grow up without perfect turnout, a desperate need for attention, and an affinity for spandex.

Boys

names yogahome

1. Drosselmeier- the doll-making Uncle/creepy Godfather in ‘The Nutcracker’. It sounds suspiciously like Oscar Meyer and men loved being associated with meat by-products.

2. Rothbart– the Evil Wizard in Swan Lake. Because every boy should be named after a magician with a bird fetish.

3.Fritz– the naughty brother from ‘The Nutcracker’. Names that sound like a computer problem are good names for ballet.

4. Apollo- from Balanchine’s ‘Apollo’. If you’re a male with a god complex in ballet, you’re halfway there already

5.Prince Florimund– from ‘The Sleeping Beauty’. Best to go by the full ‘Prince Florimund’ because plain Prince is already taken. It wouldn’t be cool to copy. Much cooler to go by PFlo if it must be shortened in ultra cool JLo style.

Girls

names

1. Myrta- Because the name ‘Giselle’ was used in a popular film (Enchanted) go with the Vengeful Ghost Bride Queen from the ballet ‘Giselle’. Myrta is much less understood anyways. Depth.

2. Balanchine- after George Balanchine. A girl named after a man? Mind blown.

3.LaFille– from ‘La Fille Mal Gardee’. Naming a girl after a title simply meaning ‘the girl’ gives the middle finger to the nonsense of trying to pin individuality on a person with a unique name. This girl doesn’t even have to try.

4. Kingdom of the Sweets– location of act 2, the Nutcracker. It’s hipterish to name a person after a place like Brooklyn or Paris. Let Ballet locale inspire. Plus, it will translate well to other ‘dance’ jobs.

5. Barre– you want a classy girl? Give her a name worthy of daily class. I can hear it now, ‘take the barre please barre’.

Unisex

Rosin- the stuff used on the floor/ shoes to prevent slipping. Kind of sticks, doesn’t it?

I’m really good at making lists:

  1. Vday list of love- types of men in ballet and modern day counterparts
  2. Better celebrity options of spokesmodel for the Free People Balletwear Campaign 
  3. male celebrities that didn’t make it as Ballerinas
  4. Movies that should be turned into ballets

Note- When I was ten, I had a hermit crab named Odette. I take back what I said about my inability to give names. I’m clearly ahead of my time.

names1

Hi, my name is Ouch.

 

5 thoughts on “The List of Hipster Baby Ballerina Names is Out and it’s worse than you imagined

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