I teach a Beginner Jazz for teens/adults class on Saturday – very possibly my favorite class to teach this semester- and one of my students is a middle school boy who for the sake of privacy, we’ll call Randolph Ziofsky. We bonded over the act that I attended the same dreadful middle school he goes to and because we both loooove to dance are/were both social pariahs. Such is seventh grade.
‘Ziofsky’ is one letter off from his correct name- which sound decidedly cool and decidedly Russian to me.
In case you didn’t know there are 3 ways to Russianify yourself:
1. Study in Russia where you will be shouted at by old Babushkas, shower (or don’t) in black water for two days because that’s what comes out of the taps, eat cold cauliflower for breakfast because that’s what you’re sadly served and beg for Masla (butter, and one of the few words I remember from my time there)
More tales of Russia:
- Russian Chocolate
- If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is
- Don’t Drink and Dance- or Watch Dance (oh dear, I had forgotten about these guys)
2 Turn yourself into a Russian Nesting Doll, or ‘matryoshka’ as artist Ira Smolikova has done on a variety of internationally recognised symbols for the Pushkin language Institute
3. Modify your name following these steps:
First name stays the same.
If you are a Male:
- With a name beginning with a vowel born in Summer/Spring: Alexander
- with a name beginning with a vowel born in Fall/Winter: Oleg
- With a name beginning with a consonant born in Summer/Spring: Maxim
- with a name beginning with a consonant born in Fall/Winter: Vladimir
- Are you under the age of 40: Irina
- Are you over the age of 40: Olga
- Ending in a vowel: add ‘ONA’ plus the first letter or your first name before the O
- Ending in N, R, or P- add ‘SKY’
- Ending in any other consonant-girls add ‘INA”, boys add ‘OVA’
- Ending in S- add ‘HKA”
- Ending in a Consonant Digraph (Ch, Th, Sh, etc): add ”OY’
So for instance, I would be Jessica Irina Ruhlinsky.
My dear friend and fellow writer/sufferer through Rissia Stirling who reported on this hilarious Russian driving practice , would be Stirling Maxim Mathesonsky.
Meryl Streep would be called Meryl Olga Streepina. Our president would be Barack Vladimir Obamabona. The weird guy that had graduated from Butler fifty years or so before that traveled to Butler with us eighteen-to-twenty-one-year-olds would be Old Oleg Seansky. My fabulous NYC-living stylish and now blogging friend Kevin would be Kevin Maxim Wiltzova. Oprah Olga Winfreyoona. You get the idea.
What, did you think MIkhail would be on the list? No, there is only one.